Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
