Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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