i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
