Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
