Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
