Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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