Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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