He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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