I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
