Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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