There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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