And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
