On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
