dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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