I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
