The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
