I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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