Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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