i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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