There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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