It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize