dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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