i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
