My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
