I hope mine doesn't look like that
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
