No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
