i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
