Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
me + whiskey = a bad person
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
