you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
