The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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