he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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