I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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