Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
