i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
