I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
