I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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