I'm so fucking centered right now
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
