Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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