Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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