cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
