My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize