I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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