Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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