I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She announced her abortion via fbk
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
