Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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