Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
