I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize