I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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