he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
