the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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