Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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