Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
