Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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