This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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