Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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