its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
