First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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