I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
