Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize