She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
