You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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