We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
