he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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