wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
