he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
