Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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